When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now,
Will you still be sending me a Valentine,
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine
If I’d been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
* When I’m Sixty-Four (lyrics below)
I am 64 for about four more months.  This introductory verse rings a bell for me for a couple of reasons.  First, I remember listening to the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album when it came out in 1967.  The song has a catchy, lilting melody that tends to make you smile.  But at age 14, I did not really connect with the message.  (A similar tune on that album, With a Little Help from My Friends, is another lyric that means more to me now, as an adult, than it did when I was young and didn’t think I needed help from anyone.)  I am now, at age 64, quite a lucky man.  My loving wife has shared with me over four decades of affection, home-building, child-rearing, caregiving, Christian faith-walking – and she still feeds me and needs me.  Those things have made for a rich life.
This song resonates for another reason.  In our elder law practice, I have seen a number of client situations where an older spouse has decided that he or she no longer needs or will feed the other spouse.  This may be the result of a lengthy decay of the marriage, or of a change brought about in one of the couple by dementia or other late-life change.  The physical and financial costs of caring for a spouse as aging takes a toll can be overwhelming.
It’s common for an adult child or spouse to insist on being the sole caregiver for a loved one, says Lynette Whiteman, executive director of Caregiver Volunteers of Central Jersey, a nonprofit senior services agency in Tom’s River, New Jersey.  A number of examples and effects of caregiving stress – and some solutions – are described in the May 16, 2018 online article, When Caregiving Takes a Toll on a Caregiver’s Health, by Deb Hipp.  (https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/when-caregiving-takes-a-toll-on-a-caregivers-health/)
Whiteman equates full-time caregiving duties to those of a new parent.  Caregivers for Alzheimer’s patients are especially sleep deprived since the person they’re taking care of is often up all hours of the night.  “It’s hard raising a baby when you’re young,” says Whiteman.  “When you’re 80 years old, it takes a tremendous toll.”
After a short stay in a skilled nursing facility when his condition worsened, 32-year-old Eva Barrios and her mom brought Barrios’ dad home and both committed to being full-time caregivers.  “It really dawned on us once we got him home how much work it was going to be,” says Barrios, whose father passed away a year later.  In retrospect, Barrios wishes she’d found a support group or other resources to help with her father’s care. “It would have been good to make friends who were going through the same process,” she says.
And when the marriage is a second or third union, with children from earlier marriages, those children can move in and draw Mom or Dad away from the other spouse.  This divisive intervention can be motivated by a desire to protect the child’s natural parent from the ravages of caring for the step-parent, or by the child’s desire to protect the parent’s assets and financial resources for the child’s inheritance.
If you or family members are facing circumstances that make it difficult to care for a spouse, we can provide help and resources to make it easier to navigate those challenges.  And be sure to ask for a little help from your friends.
* Song Lyrics:
When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now,
Will you still be sending me a Valentine,
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine
If I’d been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
You’ll be older too
And if you say the word
I could stay with you
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
Every summer we can rent a cottage
In the Isle of Wight, if it’s not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera, Chuck and Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
The Beatles
Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney
When I’m Sixty-Four lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC